the world is such a tricky place.
what we want... what we know... what we feel... are all subjective.
strength lies all around us. i know where i find strength. in family. in friends.
joy... true joy is hard to come by. for me, anyway. when i write i seem to be the happiest. but i'm not sure what to write about anymore... or how to dictate what i'm thinking. to be honest, i try not to think. things are so bloody complicated.
what i want... what i know... what i feel...
i have to ask myself if it matters. whether what i want makes even the slightest difference. how feeling one way or the other changes anything. how does it?
i used to believe that i could break through barriers just by writing about them. showing no fear in the face of what bothered me. it gave me strength too.
nothing can change how i view the world. though everyday my perceptions change in a number of ways...i still view the world as... cosmically sound. that everything in it works out for everyone. the right way. for the right reasons.
time and circumstance has grown me up. now i'm trying to find my own way.
dealing with what i've lost. friends. a family.
on days like today i don't fuss too much... i just... write. to better understand what it is i need. what will make things right in the end.
honestly... i don't know what will make things right. what i want soon becomes acceptance for not having it. it's getting easier to deal with that.
things have changed. i've learned how to live without a significant other and live happily. i've got my daughter back and i see her regularly... and she's growing up so fast! i'm stronger. in a lot of ways.
i hope for some things. accept it if it doesn't happen. if it can't happen, there has to be a reason. and dealing with that reason is better than fussing about why not.
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