there is a certain stigma when it comes to what i've been through. why i do the things i do. why i say the things i say.
something in me believes that i can have anything i want. though recent developments have proven that is very far from the truth.
cause and effect. certain things have caused me to feel this way. now the effect is to compile what i know and what i think may be best to further my own life along.
i'm afraid. truly afraid of what's coming to be. consequences that have yet to unfold based on those that already have has me scared. it's hard to explain my mind.
i'm told that everything will be ok. i've been told this before. i do what the norm is, what society dictates, only to be lost in the shuffle.
what i want?
what i want...
is a reason. a reason for being. a reason for doing. a reason not being stripped away from me. a reason without a consequence of something negative. just one ultimate positive that probably can never exist.
with every positive comes a negative. and therein lies the balance of our world.
perhaps me wanting that balance to tilt towards myself... up in my favor is selfish.
perhaps i am selfish.
selfishness is a simple response when the world comes crashing down around you. i want the world to be happy and coexist with me but i also want to be happy among it.
right now... right this instant... i don't feel happy.
when you lose it all... it's hard to find reasons to wake up. to get up. to exist.
this all sounds rather melodramatic. it is. but the pain in reality of someone in my position is a coded entry i can't even fully understand. and nothing i've tried is helping. maybe nothing will. except to become greater than myself.
transition may be the only way to escape that which i find myself stuck.
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