Man...: February 10th, 2010

you ever feel yourself making the same mistake over and over? mistakes you've made for years. maybe because you're afraid. maybe because you're used to losing so many good things in your life.

my life is an unstable mess. i defined myself by working, and i can no longer do that. dealing with my emotions and thoughts is a constant battle. i can have a great day on a saturday and as soon as i wake up sunday i'm low. sad. and i can't pull myself out of it.

because of that the people i care about feel the effects.

at the end of the day... no matter who's with me... i feel alone.

i've always felt alone.

i used to be ok with that feeling. i used to find a certain strength in it. but the more and more i push away the people i care about the more and more i realize...

i don't want to feel alone.

the time with my daughter, my constant, is limited. i don't get to see her grow up the way i'd like to. not being with my little girl everyday weighs on me daily. and i try not to show it.

what this all comes down to is... i have so few constants in my life. i can't count on how i'll feel on a day to day. i can't count on how i'll react to certain things. and because of that, i'm losing things. things i never wanted to lose. things i'd give anything to hold onto.

i'm one of those people who believes... you put your all into everything you do. do what it takes to be happy.

the one thing i've always been bad at is fighting for the things i want to keep.

and i finally do it... and things don't work out. and damn... it hurts.

so i'm in a position where i don't know where things stand. and i can feel myself slipping backward. and i can't let that happen. i've fought so hard to get to this point and going backwards is just... not an option.

so what do i do?

i've accepted the fact that i'm a mess emotionally. and that i have to stop pushing people away. and that i need to talk about things rather than keep them in, leaving the people i care about in the dark.

i resolve to do these things. on my life, it will be done.

but...

what happens next?