i'm... rather difficult to define. even now, at the most simplistic point in my life i've ever been at. i had ideations and beliefs about love. unshakeable foundations of how the world worked. an uncompromising picture of the person i was.
that world came crumbling down last year. my mind betrayed me. i lost love, and what's more... a really good friend who was always there. a girl who was by no means perfect but, at that time, was perfect for me. a girl i know will go far in her future endeavors. i couldn't ask for a better woman to raise our daughter.
time changes... everything. it gives insight into who people really are. it breaks away the facades we all have. it helps one make choices and decisions that will now, and later, affect the relationships we hold onto... and even the ones we're forced into (insert hearty laugh here).
i don't know... i've always seen myself as this ok guy. but i'm learning things about myself that i didn't want to know. that i hate to sleep alone. that i have all these limitations i can't push through. that i can't just be me without help.
but these past few months, rough as they've been, have served a great purpose. they've slowly built me up from a devastating crash. i'm finally the guy i was with someone. it's been a long time since i was this at peace with who i am.
i was always fighting to be with someone after breaking it off with someone.... after heather i tried to hold .. elyse even, i tried to salvage our marriage. i was tryinig to hold onto something... anything... to who i loved.
i was so obsessed with the notion of love that i believed it could overcome anything. reseal any broken bond. but love is more of a two way street and you HAVE to see it that way.
what i mean is... love must be returned. you can pine after someone and they can despise you back... lol... which isn't really what we're going for here. we're aiming for that shoot for the stars come hell or high water we'll always be together this is it kind of love. that's how i viewed my three most influential relationships. in that light.
a good friend of mine stated when i give my heart to someone in a relationship i forget to get it back when we part ways. i guess it's the only way i know how to live. and as much as i want to continue to be that guy it's gotta stop. you put all of yourself into something and lose it well... you just lost all you put in. you've got nothing left. you're drained.
is there a balance? i don't know. i admire the successful relationships around me... shauna and her awesome fiance planning a wedding fit for the president... my mom and randy who would do anything for one another at the drop of a hat.... my dad and gina... who, despite my living hundreds of miles away, have proven to me how much they love each other time and time again in countless ways. even my sister lauren and her long distance relationship... keeping the flame lit despite all the miles between them... talking on the phone late every night like they haven't talked in ages...
in each of these relationships i see the balances. where the two become one become two again. it's incredible that i just got stuck in the two becoming one for so long. that i only felt complete with someone else beside me.
i forgot that it's fine to kick it alone for a while. and that's what i'm here to do. this has been my break from the world... my contemplative repose. every day puts me one step closer into who i was. confident, but not cocky. funny, but not all jokes. smart, but not geeky (though i could pull off geeky ha ha).
admittedly the process is taking a long time because of all that happened. certain people who said they'd always be there, weren't. leah was a hard loss. a girl who was always there, smart and inspirational and who knew what to say and how to say it. i'm not even mad that she left. a large part of me just... understands.
that's what i do. i always try to understand. because there's always a reason behind what someone does. i may not agree with it. i may not like it. i may not tolerate it if it involves/affects me. but i always strive to understand why.
it's about maturity. it's about empathy. you have to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see how you'd feel before you act rashly. do it out of just plain niceness (is that a word? ahhh hell it is now). karma will come around.
i'm having a good day today. it's been a good week. my family is well. i trust elyse is taking good care of our daughter. scrubs new season starts tonight. and even if i have to shovel snow or the laundry i've let pile up i'll take solace in this one thing:
i'm happy. as elusive as it is these days... i'm happy. and i'm going to work hard to be happy today... tomorrow... and every day there after. no matter what it takes.
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