Probably a reason for my sleeplessness...too many thoughts: August 17th, 2009

what are we searching for?

a purpose?  i think it would be fair to say that's high up on the list.

someone to love?  i believe everyone's looking for that.

happiness?  to me, that's the most important thing.  finding ways to be happy.

now i'm in an odd place in my life.  i'll be relying on the state.  where once i defined my purpose by working, i'll have to learn how to go without a job in the regular sense (i plan on writing and getting published to fill that void).  without the sense of regular purpose, it's hard to get into a relationship.  i lack the feeling of self worth.  to me it honestly feels like the person i might be with could do better.  and honestly i don't see that self perception changing anytime soon.  happiness?  with this disorder i can wake up in a horrible mood... just depressed without rhyme or reason.  i lack the energy or determination to do the things that might make me happy.  it's like an extreme form of apathy mixed with sadness.  it's a constant in my life.  i'd like to find ways to curb the feeling. overcome it.  but that's honestly harder than it sounds.

i'd like to meet someone that i can be happy with.  but it honestly doesn't look possible with where my life is currently.  maybe if i was more confident... i suppose that might make a difference.  but honestly i want to be able to provide more than i'll be getting to the relationship.

time will tell.  it always does...